Weekend Blues

Saturday was like normal Saturday, nothing out of the ordinary. Life has actually been rather good to me as of late with little or no complaints, at least complaints that are not out of the ordinary. It was a rather nice warm sunny day much like the one last year and I spent it with my parents. Had a nice meal with my parents and was off to a new club that night. It was there that things started to become odd. It’s almost like the stillness of the waters and all of a sudden the boat slowly began to rock back and forth and it didn’t take long to realize how fragile often our satisfaction sometimes is when it’s not based on a foundation that is on firm soil. I went out that night with two friends, one of whom I had dated 10 years back. This individual invited friends of his to join us and one in particular brought his date with. As I sat there I began to realize this man I was sitting next too was the man my friend had dumped me for 10 years ago. When he looked at me and asked how I knew him I bit my tongue and said something pleasant. My instinct I assure you was not so pleasant. What was surprising was the reaction of seeing this individual after so many years and the inadequacy that still slumbers deep within the recesses of my thoughts came to the surface. Thoughts of not being good enough, thoughts of bitterness and resentment for something that in fact means nothing to me now so why do I still harbor such feelings.

The next day I awoke feeling rather good and lolled around my place until I finally went to the gym. Afterwards since I had gotten up so late I decided to go to church during the late afternoon service. When I got there I wasn’t really in the mood and in truth I had missed the last few weeks. I had melancholy thoughts of someone I knew a year ago as this was the day we had shared our first kiss. Again, things that are of little importance but for some reason I hang on to them. I remember sitting there and gazing up at a statue of Mary and wondered what is love, have I ever loved anyone...I mean really loved someone and they me? I looked at this image and saw a women who offered a gift of humility to the one she loved and in turn accepted his gift, with all the burdens that followed and lived out her life in gracious servitude for the one she loved and put aside the entire time here wants and knew her needs would always be met. I asked for that love in my life...to understand it and for those in my life, those who have touched me in a special way that we too would become gifts of love in a world that seems so dark at times.

That evening I logged onto a chat-line before a friend was to come over. This individual, a person I had not talked to for many months was on there. After awhile he must have noticed my profile as well because he blocked me so I could no longer see him. That sorta struck me and for some reason I felt a bit of frustration because of the rejection that stung in my heart. I guess sometimes it’s hard to let the past go because some seem to be more caught up in the romance of what might have been rather then realizing the truth of the situation. A Psalm that was read yesterday during the service I attended. It comes from Psalm 33, “ But the LORD'S eyes are upon the reverent, upon those who hope for his gracious help, delivering them from death, keeping them alive in times of famine. Our soul waits for the LORD, who is our help and shield.” How reverent am I being as I sat at this site meandering at the profiles that offer nothing but wounded individuals and I in some way participate in causing more pain as my motive was not love but was self-seeking. How reverent am I being by mulling over a profile of the man I had cared for and who seems to wants nothing from me? I could sit there and get angry with myself because just like with the man I dated 10 years ago we can’t control the lives of others. We cannot be responsible for the choices they make but what we can do is be a perfect example of love to them. In the case of the man from the chat-line I couldn’t really be his friend because I would want something more for him then what he was choosing for himself.

If our Lord is our help and our shield then why do we spend so much time battling the demons of our past? I suppose it’s our inability to have complete faith that prevents us…we try to take control of a situation and unfortunately if you are like me you have a knack for doing the wrong thing and later on regretting why you did what you did but then it was too late. Either way one thing I’ve learned this past year is it doesn’t really matter why people do what they do, that really isn’t my business. All I can do is make the best of any situation and realize I’m not responsible for other people’s choices only the ones I make. It still does seem hard to let go and sometimes I ponder why I make such a big deal of something that is so unimportant.

Today I get to work and a man I care for a great deal, a person who disappointed me greatly as he was very similar in many ways to both men above that I had dated. He just wanted to say hi. We never seem to say much to each other but every few months he drops a short note...perhaps it's his way of saying I'm still out here. At least I’m slowly learning not to take it seriously and not to beat myself up as if I’m not good enough. That is something I do a lot and always have. I have such low expectations of what I can get out of life and if things go bad I often sit around blaming myself when in truth I was not to blame in the first place. It’s sometimes funny to me why I do that, to be aware of something and find yourself doing it…very humorous at times.

My only hope is that I will one day be able to love someone the right way, to be able to trust someone and have faith. It is that leap of faith that shows our love for God because our example of affection and devotion to each other is a mirrored example of the great love God has for us. I think in deepest sincerity that is why so many men out there seem so lost, constantly searching for something…always trying to take control because what they have isn’t really love but more a fractured reflection of what love should be and they find themselves constantly searching for something that will fill them up and often end up wasting life eating out of a dumpster instead of the great banquet that sit’s right before us.

Who’s really in control?

Who has not at one time felt the pain of abandonment, of feeling lost or alone almost forgotten by everyone around you even those you have loved. We have all in our own way found ourselves feeling helpless. We spend so much time trying so hard to find security in this world, so much time trying hard protecting ourselves from further disappointments and hardships that we sometimes loose track for what would truly benefit us in this journey of life because our eyes have been so narrowly fixed on ourselves rather than on the bigger picture of what is going on. So many times I have allowed myself to become distracted on what was around me and it’s almost as if I felt voiceless in a sea of inequality while lying in a tomb of hopelessness with lust as my only comfort.

On my spiritual journey I’ve slowly begun to discover that there is nothing in this world that is meant to satisfy us and it for that reason that any time we seek things the world has to offer we will always in the in the end become disheartened and unsatisfied. I keep hearing in my head to seek that which is above. It’s a familiar phrase taken from the third chapter of the book of Colossians. But what does this mean to seek what is above and why is that of any importance to me? The odd thing about Christianity is how opposite its teaching are to how the world lives and often its countercultural lessons come off sounding restrictive, almost prudish and very much outdated with how we live our lives today. In the end we often pick and choose from many faiths and teachings finding ourselves unable to commit to anyone discipline because we do not want to have to be held responsible for how we are living out our lives. I find many people who wear crosses around their necks do so because it’s nothing more than a piece of jewelry while others it has become a pious symbol but the Cross is so much more than that.. The Cross is a device of torcher and it is a constant reminder that life is not fare and it’s not easy and whatever the circumstance may be we all have to journey to this instrument of death on our accord so we can enter into the mystery with complete humility so as to fully appreciate the opportunity of what it means to co-participate with Christ. Often it is through our suffering that God is able to speak to us and it is through our example of what we do with this suffering that allows us to witness the message God desires others to hear.

We can take comfort however when we read that while Christ was on the Cross he cried out “Eli Eli, lama sabachthani.” Words that mean My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? It’s a familiar cry all of us profess at many times in our lives. But the truth behind this wasn’t that Christ cried out these words in despair but instead he united himself to our suffering and offered up a lesson that is as relevant today as it was 2000 years ago. Christ death wasn’t about Christ it was for us. His focus during his entire life and most especially on his journey to the Cross was one of obedience to the desires of what is above. We live in a culture that unsuccessfully tries to teach us to deny the truth of death. The addictions and attachments of this world are almost a denial for the truths of God. If we know in our heart that we are not meant to find joy in this world why would we live our lives trying to seek it out and in the end find only disappointment and sorrow because of our enslavement to our passions. The truth is we are not the most important person in the world and the world does not revolve around me or owe me anything. Our culture is too concerned with our personal self-esteem whose only focus is on our little problems. By limiting our view we are unable to see the bigger picture that we are not and never have been in control. My life is not about me. Any other way of thinking is nothing more than an illusion giving us a false sense of some control in our lives. Trusting God means to not be in control and instead of turning inward we take our eyes and we look outside our own personal problems. Life is all about love and love is everything to do with God. Love has everything to do with giving of your self to others and is never about self-seeking…love has everything to do with God whose message has always been that we are created to be a gift to one another and in doing so we love God perfectly. Life is a great plan that was laid out well before the universe was created. Nothing was randomly thrown together and everything has a purpose for being here. Everyone may not be the most important but everyone is important and equal in the eyes of God. Whenever our rights take away another persons right there is a grave injustice and a deep lie going on. When ever we take away another innocent person’s life we are not in anyway playing a role as martyr or hero.

Life is hard and why is that we feel we should be exempt from the troubles of life? What makes us different? We are all going to die, that’s a fact. We all have been given the same amount of time as another but the difference is how you live out your life that defines you as a person. Nothing this world has to offer will bring authentic joy and peace. There is no liberty when we enslave ourselves to our passions. There is no justice when we live our lives for ourselves. When Christ stood before the soldiers and allowed himself to be bruised, humiliated and eventually murdered he did so because he saw the bigger picture and it was worth dieing for. You are wroth dieing for. I am worth dieing for. The prostitute on the street and the drug pusher in the back ally is worth dieing for…but often we can’t see it because we aren’t looking through the eyes of God but instead are looking through the lenses of society’s deceptions, that lie which teaches us that we have control.

August Fifth

With a discontented heart I yearn, for the one that seems to forever plague my mind
Simple thoughts blaze my heart of what was once but is no more
A year past since we first met with thoughts of you, me and the August sun
So discontented my heart still beats thumping loudly when I allow my mind to breath
With thoughts of art hanging on a string my mind wanders to the day we met, of buildings, people, your smile and the warm summer breeze

People wandering here and their but my eyes could not even stair
With eyes fixed on the one by my side I remember vividly that which I gazed
So dry I have been as of late trying madly to find that which is empty but still aches
But this feeling I abhor I cannot help but long once more
My heart still pounds when I think of you this day and wonder if this will be forevermore
With thoughts of what was but is no more I still hope and dream of holding you once more

Joanie loves Chachi?

Did Joanie Cunningham really love Chachi Arcola and if so did they find their thrill on Blueberry Hill? That is the question that has plagued the civilized world since 1980 when Chachi first revealed his true intensions to his love, the beautiful Joanie with a late night dinner preplanned on the advice from his conversation with Lori Beth. Last night once more this question arose as I lay in bed watching the newest VH1 reality show featuring our one time hero and the former Charles in Charge star Scott Baio. The show is titled “Scott Baio is 45 and Single.” It is about his journey to escape his past and to figure out why at the age of 45 he has run away from all his relationships. The show is obviously a result as a feeble attempt to resurrect a career of an actor that has long since drifted into pop-culture history but surprisingly as I watched I could relate in some way as his questions and the patterns of his behavior is not all that different then mine.

Baio has spent the majority of his life fearing true intimacy with women and seems to have a great deal of anger about never being able to escape his past childhood fame, the fame which pays for his lavish lifestyle. I have to take my hat off if I had one for those individuals who are so willing to allow the world around them the opportunity to dissect there lives and the poor choices they have made along the way. However that being said we have to also acknowledge there is a certain level of narcissism going on here but that’s another topic now isn’t it. Perhaps we should talk later on regarding the Paula Abdul show! Any way, as I viewed this show I could not help but start to review my own life and many of the choices I made along my own personal journey. As part of his therapy his “Life Coach” made Baio start to revisit his past and ask the women why they left him and what was it that made them leave. That would not be a question I’d want to ask men of my past but then again most of them wouldn’t say anything I already didn’t know…which is probably why I wouldn’t want to ask it!

He began with the first women he ever loved and then went on to visit “Joanie Cunningham” who was the women he lost his virginity too. “Joanie” talked about his short fuse and his inability to relate well to people around him…more or less she talked about his selfish outlook and his inability to work with people without becoming irritable. The first girlfriend pointed out that he actually went out of his way to try to keep a measure of distance between there relationship so as not to get to close. Baio repeatedly acted out destructively out of fear of opening up and trusting someone with his heart. On six different occasions he had intimate indiscretions with other women before she finally ended their relationship. I couldn’t help but feel as if the cameras at this time had turned on to me. While I never have cheated on a person I allowed myself to care for I have on many occasions prevented myself from getting close to men and usually allowed myself to sexually act impulsively with little or no thought to what I was doing until afterwards. I know this had more to do with fear of getting to close because the moment anyone ever suggested getting closer to me or said the forbidden word of boyfriend I usually ran for the door very quickly.

She went on to say that Baio was always “looking for the next best thing…there is no next best thing there is just the next thing.” Was this something I did? Without much thought I knew the answer already and sadly I know in my heart that true intimacy can never be based on physical attributes but instead on the emotional compatibility shared between the two lovers. There must be a common agreement between each partner that desires not for their own personhood but to become more like a humble servant who realizes their only desire is to encourage their partner to be the best version they already were. Love is all about what we know in our heart to be right and the conscious choice that we make with each other in regards to being a true gift of self-donation…it is that gift of choice that separates us from the rest of creation, it is that gift of choice that helps to realize only mankind has the ability to authentically love another because they are also the only one in creation that has the ability to hate. Life is all a choice my friends!

I laid in bed that night thinking about what she said and I assure you these thoughts are not new to me as I have done a great deal of reflecting with my past but still I couldn’t help but wonder what would my life have been like if I would had realized this sooner. If I had not spent so many years seeking out pleasures that only offer some solace for brief moments and or a couple years. What if I had not compromised my inner desire that I had at one time before I became so self-seeking inside? Would I have been in a real loving relationship with someone who was emotionally supportive towards my needs? Do I even understand what is love…have I ever felt it? We all say we have been in love but what is love really. It’s such an easy word to say but with what actions have I lived out those words. What was it really that keeps people such as Baio and myself in this position that keeps our hearts so captive that we don’t allow ourselves the chance to let someone in finding instead the simple fact we have dated the same person over and over and the only thing that has changed is the names.

Baio had a hard time listening to what she had to say. He was embarrassed at how he had cheated on her with his actions and most importantly with his heart. It was hard to look up and see the pain you caused and often we do what he did…we get up when it’s uncomfortable and leave so we can put it out of our thoughts and later on letting ourselves instead of dealing with it we make cheep excuses for our choices. I should title this “Craig is 38 and Single.”

Tiny Tim in the land of Egypt

Do you sometimes feel like you are Tiny Tim and are confused as to what life is asking of you? We live in a world that pulls us in a thousand directions and often we end up feeling stretched, tired and in the end powerless because few prosper and those that do have no problem flaunting it in our faces leaving us feeling as if we are lazy failures. Life seems for most people a never-ending series of tribulations with few reprieves leaving us little time to tend our hearts or our needs let alone the needs of those around us. We can all understand this and have all felt it to one degree or another in our lives but you know in the solitude of our problems we find what is often called the twofold order of knowledge. The first is natural reason, which is the object and the other is Devine faith; the object is one of truth attainable by reason, Devine faith however is the mysteries hidden in God, mysteries in which we have to believe and which can only be known to us through Devine revelation.

There are not many words in our culture that seem to trip easily off the tongue and many such words leave a fowl sound to the ear. We can picture over weight preachers in $1000 suits telling us to have faith in God and give to there ministries. We envision women in fine furs with faces that are so worked over that after awhile you aren’t sure what’s real anymore because they seem to resemble a gazelle more then a human being proselytizing to us that God blessed them because of their faith and since I don’t have a shinny new BMW or have house in the nicer part of town it can only mean I’m a person with little or no knowledge and understanding of what faith is. There seem to be so many people with many ideas of what faith is and how it is a loop hole for God’s bountiful blessings but I am not sure if many people really do understand what faith means because the word has completely become misused. First what does the word mean? I’m a plethora of useless lingo so I shall tell you. (Pistis, fides) are Hebrew words in the Old Testament that are translated as faith in English and essentially these words mean steadfastness. But in classical Greek pisteuo was used to signify believe so basically it says trusting in God is faith, and faith is belief. But the question becomes now believe in what? Believe in a God that allows man to suffer? Believe in a God that seems week and powerless, often so quiet that we aren’t even sure he cares? It’s an easy word to say but I ask you…what are we to believe in, certainly not someone that doesn’t seem to love me because I’m alone, lost and confused…plus there are starving little children in Africa. God certainly can’t be trusted! Belief is an objective statement because it’s hard to say for a fact it is true because it is to most a revelation of the mystery of the Devine plan of God through creation. What I find amusing is how easy it seems to say we are a people of faith until that moment when God asks something from us. God in his infinite wisdom has given man free choice and allows us to co-participate with him. Christ is the eternal example of this gift in the analogy of the Bridegroom who gives up his entire self for his bride and we through our relationships, both intimate & professional, offer up ourselves as a groom would for his bride in a gift of self-donation. We are called to give what we have, the gifts God has allowed us to have, and share with others. If you have two coats, give one to the poor for example. But what’s interesting is how we are so trained to selectively hear what is easiest for us. We let this opportunity to be a gift of love, a gift to end suffering for another to be muted because we feel our greed is more important then their need telling ourselves we work hard and they are lazy, or it’s not my problem so I don’t need to worry about it…plus they wouldn’t learn to stand on there own two feet. It’s not so much God doesn’t hear our cry its more that we don’t listen to the opportunity of the Spirit. The decent of the Holy Spirit is the abandonment of our selves to the will of God. To take a risk on what he is calling us to do. God calls us to love everyone yet we usually seem to only love people that are easy to love. God is calling us to let our bodies mean something, to be a gift to another but we allow ourselves to be enslaved to our own desires and care little about what we are emotionally doing to those around us or the part we play in the destruction of there lives. God calls us not to hate yet we seem to have no problem holding judgmental thoughts towards others letting our hearts to be filled with death while we sit in the shadows filling the ears of others with gossip, malice and hatred…ideas that are nothing more then words of disdain based on our ignorance and fear, our lack of faith in God.

In the end all faith calls us to do is to take the courage and make the first step in the direction of what you know in your heart God is calling you to do. Psalm 27 reminds us, be strong, let your heart be bold, put your hope in God and Psalm 130 reminds us that we are not alone, that God’s presence is there and all we need to do is wait, to watch for it like the coming of the dawn. But this isn’t easy is it, but then if it were would it be faith? Just because we approach something with the right intensions doesn’t mean people will value it. Just because we have enthusiasm and passion for something doesn’t mean others will share our thoughts. To begin a good thing isn’t enough. We must have the depth of commitment to carry it through to the end. It is here my friends in the obstacles of life that we have to begin our journey with Christ to the cross. We need to keep our eyes focused on the things that are above and not allow the limitations and blindness of those around you to cover your eyes from the truth and belief that God is God and the Devine creator does notice you and does desire what is best for you and that might mean that we have to be willing to remember what we feel is best for us might not be what would make us a clearer image of God.

It is good to remember that not many around you will join you or help you but still you move on. There will always be setbacks but you have to remember the oppressor never voluntarily gives freedom to the oppressed. If you want anything in life you have to be persistent. The oppressor means to dominate you and will never willingly give you up. Those around you will not necessarily want to listen to you because often those who are wrapped up in their own lusts and desires will have deaf ears and offer nothing but resistance. The lessons of Moses and the great exodus out of Egypt teach us that when you leave repression you will always find tension. When we get to the Promise Land we will find giants, those illusive adversaries that wait in the shadows to strike at us to take us down…to sidetrack us from what is being asked of us filling our heads with lies and deceptions…many distractions, but it is here in this overwhelming place that we find the gift of faith, the belief that God, the one who created you and me and laid out with perfection the creation of the universe balancing everything perfectly in total harmony is standing next to you and I loving us as a Bridegroom for his Bride willingly offering himself to us and all he is asking us is to trust him, to believe…to have faith. We must remain steadfast so God can be God and we learn our place in the grand scheme of creation. That we are made to be the image of God…God is NOT an image of us! Freedom my friend comes from humility. Do you find it interesting that society around us tells us we won’t be happy unless we live a certain way, dress a certain way, drive a certain car or live in a certain location. We live moment-by-moment for own lusts and ponder why we stand here craving more and always feeling like this wasn’t enough. We wonder why we look to porn or cheap sex and are left hungering later for something more, something real but always going back to what is familiar…can you not see the bondage you have allowed others to place you in. Can you not see how the few around us have exploited you and made you a slave to your flesh and in the end not trusting in God…instead we place our faith foolishly in ourselves, hording our money and possessions, living our lives to fill our lusty desires and this always leaves us wanting more? 1 Corinthians 13:13 says, “So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” These are three interrelated features of Christian life, more fundamental than any particular chrism. Love can only exist if we have faith and hope…without either of these you will never have or understand love. Love is trust, it is belief in the other person…it isn’t a prenuptial agreement and it isn’t based on self-seeking attitudes. Love is trust and belief and that is why it’s so scary. If you trust and believe in the other so much that you are willing to give yourself to them fully and completely you become vulnerable but it is here that you become a gift of self…and this revelation when you look through the eyes of faith is the blue print of all our relations with creation, not just limited to those we love. That is love…and this is what faith means.

To live with faith means we need to realize even if we have escaped Egypt and crossed over the Red Sea there will be moments where we will enter a wilderness and still we go on. What are you willing to lay our life down for? What are you willing to humiliate yourself for? Life is filled with people with passion, and people who will not let the oppressor hold us down, but these gifts of individuals instead find their voice in the humility of there actions by laying down there lives in faith so God can use them as his mouth peace. Faith must work with compassion and nonviolence. Violence will only create more violence and to find freedom means we have to be willing to be objects of love, we have to be willing to offer ourselves up as groom to the bride and that means we place ourselves in a position where we will be rejected. Even if a groom offers himself to the bride that does not mean she accepts but he does not force himself on her, just as God does not force himself on us.

Pride 2007 II: Love is it a choice?

I was looking at the float picture from my last entry and kept seeing the word love all over the boxes and of course shirtless men trying to come off sexy and desirable. But what is love? Is it little more then an amorous moment in our lives or does it express warm attachment and enthusiasm that comes from a strong affection or devotion for another. Love is passion but more importantly it’s also a choice. This doesn’t mean that our feelings will always remain the same everyday for the other but it does ultimately mean we are a gift of self-donation to the other through good times and through the hard times. I believe it is difficult for most because being fallen in nature we limit what love should mean and can mean finding those around us incapable of being a true gift of love. But it’s the unique gift of choice and the ability to make a commitment that is the singular difference between us and the rest of creation. People cannot be so easily dismissed because no one is replaceable even if we live in a culture that tells us differently. We all have something special to offer that makes us unique, precious and irreplaceable.

Often in my past I have found myself compromising the person I was to be something I’m not. I suppose that is something most of us can relate too. We defend our behavior and place limitations on love as we express ourselves with actions of “sexual liberation” but what is hard for me to handle sometimes is whenever you compromise what love means in the end you find yourself lonely or sad. The question I keep asking myself is if I am a gift of self-donation to another and in turn they give the gift of themselves to me how can we be lonely? I believe we become lonely because in those moments we have turned our gaze on ourselves, living out actions that are self-seeking in nature. To me, how I was raised, God is love and the reciprocal gift of self to another is an expression, an image, of how God loves us. We actively co-participate with God as we image him fully in how we express our bodies. When we have relations with another we are in actuality just outwardly renewing through creativity our commitment to each other by offering in humility the gift of self. By allowing ourselves to search out intimacy by means of self-gratification we limit the opportunity to experience fully what love actually is. Love is not selfish and it is never self-seeking but is always a gift of self to another. However often in my life I settled for a false love because I desired intimacy but my heart was so bruised that I only allowed myself to do such actions in a controlled environment. In the end it hurt me by limiting my vision of what love can and should mean. Selfish actions like this always in the end leave me longing for more and I became enslaved to my member.

It gets hard sometimes being alone. It’s hard to crucify the old man to embrace the rebirth of the individual we were created to be. It often seems easier to live in the illusions that those around us have normalized then to live out our lives with a sacrificial gift of self. We let our heart envy those around us but when you look at our culture you see so much promiscuous behavior that I have often wondered what is it that I’m suppose to be envying so much? I find it so amusing at times how jealous I get over the pig-pens others live in because our culture has lifted them up to be the embodiment of who we are suppose to be. I make no quorums of my sexual past and realize clearly the damage I have done to myself and damage I have caused to others perpetuating this behavior that first made me prey then predator. I feel a great sense of shame at times when I begin to slowly realize what damage I have played in other people’s lives because I was self-seeking. The choices others make are not my responsibility but what I do with my body is my responsibility. I still wonder why we find it so arousing to hurt other people, to have relations with innocent men taking from them something that is precious and beautiful and perverting it and leaving their hearts wounded and often broken with little or no understanding to what they just did. Why do we objectify ourselves and wonder why in the end no one sees us for who we are? So many of us are intimate with those who are married or dating others, paying little attention to the pain we are playing out in there spouses heart. It’ almost as if at times we also view a partnership between two men different then that of a straight couple and we wonder still why the culture around us doesn’t understand gay relationships. What role are we playing out in demonstrating to the world around us that we understand what love is and we too can live out an expression of love with our actions?

So many try to rationalize our choices saying what we do in our private life affects know one and doesn't harm anyone. Not true. Everything we do affects others and in the end affects everyone. When we fall there pain is my pain and when they triumph there joy is my joy. We are all one family interconnected in so many ways through so many people. I am not defined by my past. It has made me who I am today but it’s what I do with it that defines me as a person.

Pride 2007

As I was perusing past the many vendors in the park this past weekend I did a great deal of reflection of my first Pride event back in 94. I was a young man out of college and had just ended my first relationship finding myself in a place where I was exhausted with feelings of betrayal and uselessness resulting in an over zealous attitude to compensate my personal worth with destructive actions of self-exploitation in the hopes to try and cover up a broken heart. I remember that Pride as if it was yesterday. I can recall the warm summer breeze and the endless blue skies. The streets were flooded with thousands of people and the atmosphere seemed almost euphoric with thoughts of camaraderie. I didn’t feel alone but found great comfort in the masses of people sounding me, leaving me with almost a sense of normality in the sameness I shared with those around me.

As I strolled around the park the seemingly endless stream of people remained dressed in their colorful attire. The booths were filled with interesting provocative themes as well as corporations self-promoting their organizations. The organizers of the event still proclaimed the park to be an atmosphere that fosters tolerance and acceptance as well as promoting an environment that is family friendly. They were selling an array of trinkets from picture frames and lingerie to insurance policies and grocery products all the while professing this is done in a spirit that promotes their support for the gay community. As always there were endless parties and orgies with bars flooded with shirtless men drinking gallons of alcohol all the while dancing on pedestals searching the crowds with eyes full of lust. However something has changed over the years. Perhaps it’s like a bunch of holidays and after awhile you can’t distinguishes one from another but I believe it’s more then that. Somehow what had changed for me was how I saw these individuals.

I started pondering what does it mean to be proud? Living proudly means we have a proper self-respect and display an action of being very pleased with our self-esteem, however pride can also mean a pack of lions, but that is another analogy I won’t touch on today. What was it about this past weekend that gives reason for being proud? Do I see before me a showy or impressive group? I was raised with the belief that in some way we are all an evangelist of some sort. Heralding the good news by preaching and living out what it is we believe to be true, or at least what we want to convince ourselves as truth so as not to add conviction to our motives or actions. This is a day of reminding the world around us of our demand for equality. I’m reminded of others that went before us men such as the great Martin Luther King Jr. While he didn’t have any glow sticks or leather chaps that showed off his tight round buttocks he through his actions demonstrated to America the inequality of man envisioned in the Declaration of Independence. Through his non-violent protests and his willingness to humble himself as Christ he was able to co-participate in the mission of his faith. With his actions he brought redemption in many ways to the people of our country. White America had an opportunity to hold a mirror up to their faces to see if they image Christ in being a true and authentic gift of self to the community around us.

I am very mindful of the persecution and hardship we as gay men and women have had to endure often in the solitude of our own hearts. I understand the feeling that I am not living up to the potential of who I am and that my life is a mockery of my beliefs. I understand how disappointed we can be dating men and allowing them to use us, to participate in what seems to be an unending carousel that has left us burned-out with a heart that is so hardened by our actions and those of others that we don’t even know how to be a gift of love anymore. We have a creative and undeniable uniqueness, a gift that separates us. Each person is irreplaceable and yet we spend so much time sitting in the shadows of our thoughts yearning to be the image of a man we were created to be but instead allow ourselves to mirror a culture that is trying to keep our personal dignity down by further repressing us by limiting our actions to be controlled by an incessant need of self-gratification.

All I can say is to continue on your quest to find yourself! Do not be afraid to struggle and remind yourself that you are not alone even if society around you is so willingly ready to tell you that you are a freak, somebody that isn’t valued or wanted…a man who will never understand what it means to be a man. No matter where you are or what you have done remember we belong to a much larger community that isn’t separated by our sexuality.

I hope that we all realize to find ourselves, to find purpose, love, and hope means we have to become willing examples of humility and lowliness which often can only come from being prepared to be humiliated for what we know to be true. We have to be my friends a gift of self even to those who mean to do us harm. Remember what you do and how you behave affects everyone and nothing we do harms no one. We are all going to die for something in life. We are all serving a master of some sorts. I ask you what are you willing to die for and why? When I walked around the park all I saw was people who were willing to die for themselves and not for those around us.

The Injustices of Life

21-year old Genarlow Wilson is serving his second year on a ten-year sentence for having consensual oral sex at the age of 17 with a 15-year-old girl. The jury found Wilson guilty in 2005 of aggravated child molestation, which occurred at a 2003 New Year’s Eve party. Even though Georgia changed this law since Wilson’s conviction his sentence was not made retroactive. Superior Court Judge Thomas Wilson of Monroe County Georgia offered the young Wilson a plea “that would have allowed Genarlow Wilson to plead to First Offender Treatment, which would mean that he would not have a criminal record nor would he be subject to registering on the sex offender registry once his sentence had been completed.” Wilson has had much support throughout the country including the editorial board of the New York Times and also from former President Jimmy Carter. Upon hearing the ruling many screamed with delight but there shortly after Georgia Attorney General Thurbert Baker stated the judge has the right to grant habeas relief he did however not have the right to “reduce or modify the judgment of the trial court.” The state attorney general filled a notice of appeal, which unfortunately keeps the young Genarlow Wilson in prison, at least for the time being.

Murky justice seems to become when we allow personal views of fairness to become tainted with misguided Christian values of good and evil, which is governed by a deep sense of exclusiveness from a faith that cries out for justice and the receptivity of God’s love. Is it justice that punishes a boy for the misguided values that society has encouraged by fostering an example of uncontrollable actions dominated by their own passions of lust? I respect fully the outward commitment and impassioned beliefs that are so strongly rooted in the traditions of the Southern states but have come to question the sincerity of such voices when I see examples of individuals more concerned about their personal relationship with Christ then the ongoing commitment we have to co-participate with the universal church centering our thoughts on the example we present to others as the Body of Christ. What was it that this man did that was so wrongfully committed that he deserves to serve time in prison? He was an honors student who showed to be a promising individual who would have contributed greatly to society but we instead find ourselves punishing him for acting out irresponsibly with his actions, actions that many of us have committed ourselves at the same age. Are we not casting a stone at the sin of this young man when in truth we are just as guilty? Instead of showing him what it means to be an action of love, a gift of self-donation to another, we act out just as irresponsibly and ignorant of the truth of God. It is not my fault for the sins of others which has separated them from their Creator but it is my responsibility to be an outward expression of love and encourage others into a deeper understanding of their faith.

While such generosity can only be offered to some in limited ways because some crimes are so irreprehensible that such individuals are a threat to society but again I ask what was it that this man did that deserves such a punishment? It’s easy to desire God’s will until we come to the point that we are called to live out what it is God is calling us to do. As a gay man it sometimes becomes easy to center my thoughts on the hardships we have been burdened with, to allow myself to become a victim of an injustice that I never asked for. Yet I cannot help but look at the bigger picture here and realize what is going on around me is a familiar song that is sung in the hearts and lives of many of us, gay and straight. When I look at this young man I cannot help but hear his story cry out loudly of the many injustices in life. Christianity isn’t the crime. What he did does limit his ability to have a fruitful relationship with the Devine. That is why sin is so tragic to God because he desires intimacy with his beloved but how is it we are reaffirming His relationship of love when we sell Him out because we want to serve other gods. We aren’t concerned with what is right and wrong as much as we are concerned with our own tainted view of fairness which seems to be more inline with a singular view of life. Where is the hope we are offering this young man? Without hope he cannot have a foundation of faith and without faith he cannot achieve any growth as an individual. We need to believe in something and what have we left him with, is this fair? I’m left perplexed with what is justice…in a world that seem to believe that justice many times is left for those who are wealthy enough to afford expert legal advice. Is it justice to appeal a ruling that will in the end cause an excessive misuse of money, time and energy, as well as the possible destruction of an individual’s life?

Thanks but no thanks Team MANHUNT!

We Give ‘Til it hurts…that was the header on an email sent to me. Pretty catchy sounding don’t ya think? It’s simple, supportive yet after you read the email it sounds a bit provocative inviting our imagination to some interesting possibilities and offers us a place where we can “meet the man of your dreams or your man of the moment.” This email was written in regards to a male chat-line promoting free access in celebration of the 2007 Pride season. Stating in its first line “It’s Pride Season and we are giving the gift of gay.” This sounds all generous and supportive but it’s when you look at the motive that underlines there reasons is where the true seduction comes into focus. How is it that they are giving us the gift of gay? The target audience is the lonely man who is often very vulnerable and easily seduced into believing that somehow finding predatory men in search of a quick fix and an opportunity to have intimacy in a controlled environment will in any way lead to a healthy approach in meeting single men longing what we believe to be our hearts desire on a site that defines the homosexual proclivities as the singular definition to what being gay is about. I’m confused, we live in a culture that is becoming increasingly anti anybody who doesn’t believe what we believe and yet we are being silently manipulated by a demon far worse then any right wing conservative Christian. We allow those around us to enslave ourselves to our members resulting in a culture that is increasingly becoming sexual addicts who is only capable of self-destruction.

You want to destroy the gay culture then we just need to further go down this hedonistic path. “So show your Pride and get ready to meet the man of your dreams or your man of the moment.” Thanks but no thanks Team MANHUNT! I’ve spent way too much time already giving up on what life has to offer and limit myself to compulsive behaviors that never ceases to repeat itself.

Lindsay Lohan and the gutters of life

The 20 year old Hollywood actress Lindsay Lohan crashed her car after hopping a curb on Sunset Boulevard and then proceeded to flee the accident site and was found at a nearby apartment complex. She was arrested for suspicion of driving under the influence and later was confirmed to have been taking cocaine. Before all this was over she was once more seen frolicking around Hollywood with eager photographers ready to capture her later on in the evening passed out once more in the seat of a friend’s car. Just one month shy of her 21st birthday Lindsay who had been in rehab earlier this year will be resubmitted. It was stressed by her publicist that we need to respect her vulnerability as well as those of the other patients by keeping our distance stating further by a family friend that “She has a lot of issues and family issues. There is an incredible amount of pressure on this 20-year-old.” However it has been well noted by other friends that even though going from movie to movie is very taxing in the end she “really loves the business.” Lindsay got her first break in the movie business at age 11 while doing the Disney remake of the popular film “The Parent Trap” and has been in 10 films and currently can be seen in “Georgia Rule.” In the past 20 years she has admitted to trying to commit suicide on two different occasions and was seen drinking while in rehab earlier this year stating later that rehab is fun and now she understands why so many celebrities go.

While it is hard to find sympathy at times for a person the seems on the surface to be marketing herself with an unending amount of turmoil showing little or no remorse for her actions, something the media has pointed out in the behavior of other celebrities such as Paris Hilton, I cannot help but find underneath a problem that plagues so many in our culture today. Life for all of us can be unpredictable and from my experience it seems the majority of our time is spent trying desperately to curb the madness in our lives finding a false control in wealth, power, relationships or even our physical appearance. With what seems to many an inexhaustible amount of financial resources our attention is drawn often to those who live life in such extreme excess much like Lindsay. Even though most of us don’t have the ability or the resources to live our lives to such a degree it doesn’t take a stretch of the imagination to relate in some way to what they are going through and often finding some solace that since they are going through such things then it must be natural and normal for many of us to do so as well. It’s almost as if the children of Hollywood today have no sense of shame or remorse for anything, mirroring the fact I think many in society today seems to have little remorse for their behavior. We just need to look at extreme individuals such as Whitney Houston, Brittney Spears, Paula Abdul…the list is endless and yet no one really says anything we all just sit back and laugh at them and in our silence we encourage many of there choices. What saddens me the most is that so many try to imitate these individuals allowing ourselves to live out our lives as destructively as those we have come to admire, forgetting the dignity in which we all were created in.

I’m reminded of Katharine Drexel, a Philadelphia woman who was born in the mid 19th century to a well known banker and philanthropist. What made Katharine stand out in history was her deep concern for the Native American and those in the Afro-American community. In her youth her parents instilled a deep awareness that their great fortune was simply a loan God granted them and they have a great responsibility to share this with others. Becoming aware of the poor in the native Indian community on a journey out West helped the young girl to realize the importance of helping victims of social injustice. Another powerful impact on Katharine was witnessing and tending to her grandmother in the last years of her life. This helped the young Katharine to realize clearly that money offered no true security or personal prosperity. Katharine brought a great awareness for those living in poverty in our community100 years before such concern became public interest in the United States. While traveling to Rome to seek out missionaries to staff some of the missions she was starting Pope Leo XIII surprised her by suggesting she become a missionary herself. On February 12, 1891 she professed her first vows and later founded the Sisters of the Blessed Sacrament dedicating her life to share the message of the Gospel with those in the American Indian and Afro-American community. Her example is that of total self-giving, relinquishing freely all the world believes to be success and power and in-turn donated her life and her family fortune to serving those who are in need and to better understand what authentic love actually means. Throughout her life she opened, staffed and supported nearly 60 schools and missions and Katharine’s greatest achievement came in 1925 when she opened the Xavier University of Louisiana, the only predominantly Afro-American Catholic institution of higher learning in the United States.

St. Katharine was beatified November 20th, 1980 and continues to set an example for all who feel helpless and overwhelmed by the tribulations of life showing us what it means to live your life with passion and to the fullest. She was a great witness to the power of the Spirit and what God can do with you if you are willing to lay down your life and allow the Spirit to use you as an instrument. This action allows all of us to actively participate in the mystery of the Trinity, this eternal exchange of love shared between Father and Son. All love is like that of a bride-groom and bride and through our relationships we are given a foretaste of the love we will share with this one Triune God. This is the only thing that is everlasting. This love, the selfless act of giving yourself to all those in your life is what it means to love as God loves. Lindsay, like so many people live their lives focusing their attention on things of this world to bring meaning to their lives. Comeliness, wealth, social standing/power cannot fill the void in your life. Allowing our hearts to be focused on pride and selfishness will only further drive us away from the one who is Love.

Star Wars: Faith Beyond Science

You know few things in life make me feel old. I basically feel like the same man I was in my 20’s. I am in good shape accept for those few moments my back seem to say otherwise, I feel very attractive most of the time and I’m fairly intelligent…at least my mother tells me I am. Overall it’s not a bad outlook to have on your self but I have to say today I feel old or perhaps young…that’s the odd paradox of it all. Star Wars came to the theaters 30 years ago May 25th 1977. I think in all sincerity it was the first time my brother and I actually got along. I can still remember like yesterday how it felt when the music first started and those words from the opening title crawl came up it was almost like time completely stopped. I’m not sure why that movie was so important to men my age but there is little in life that has had as much of an impact on me as that did…that one brief moment that seems as real to me as my first kiss. The movie was appropriately called A New Hope. Evil was about to triumph with its great victory over good. All seemed hopeless for those who stood for justice but through the courage and boldness of one boy and his faith in the Force he brought victory to the rebels and a renewed hope/inspiration to countless beings throughout the galaxy. Reminding us once more that we can make a difference, that what we do does and can matter. This movie wasn’t about the promotion of any particular doctrine of faith but instead spoke to the hearts of all those who were open to hearing its message. This timeless story of how good always triumphs evil. Of course Luke did look pretty smoking in that film. I know he was my first crush!

This movie once more inspires me to remember there is always hope but often we can never see it because we don’t take our eyes off of our circumstances long enough to look at the bigger picture. There are many parts of creation that we will never understand and I have come to realize that faith is beyond what science is looking for!

Happy 30th Birthday Star Wars…its nice knowing a part of that 8 year old boy still lives in me to this day.


Episode IV
A New Hope
It is a period of civil war. Revel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.

During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire’s ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet.

Pursued by the Empire’s sinister agents, Princess Leia races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy…

80-20 Rule, the Meaningless Relationships of the 21st Century

I had run across the June issue of OUT and read an article in the relationships section that left me so flabbergasted that my jaw was literally on the floor and I found myself laughing my ass off as I read “Gay, married, available.” What amused me was that I could have written this as it happened to me one year earlier almost word for word. The article was discussing what seems to be an ever-growing number of men in the gay community who beilieve they are in a committed relationship but instead of just playing on the side in an open relationship they search out private romances with other men. The writer of the article wrote “One guy told me the 80-20 rule is in effect in his relationship: They share 80% of what he wants in a partner and a relationship, and so they agree to seek the missing 20% in others. But aren’t sex, passion, and romance essential components of any ratio that defines someone as a husband – rather than a roommate or best friend?” The person went on to try and justify his actions by stating “we haven’t had sex in three years. We’re allowed to find our passion elsewhere.” This was almost exactly what was said to me after I had met someone one month after we had begun our almost daily dialogue which had seemed at the time to be very open and honest reflections of who we were and what we wanted out of life. He was extremely warm and had the most infectious personality that was very comforting and inviting but unfortunately he found himself in the past three years living in a “sexless” relationship with separate bedrooms living more like roommates then people in a committed partnership. What kept them together I’m not certain. The writer had his own idea as to why they stayed together stating “it’s not so much social opprobrium as it is shared real estate, wardrobes and Jack Russell terriers that keeps long-term partners together.” This may be true but I’m more inclined to think it has more to do with fear and a wounded heart.

What I wanted to center my thoughts on is more why the writer and the individuals he interviewed for this article allowed this to happen. He wrote that he allowed himself to be romanced in this way on three different occasions while he lived in Manhattan and once more since he moved to L.A. I questioned the entire time reading this why does he seem to attract relationships such as these but more important why did I? With answers from those around him ranging from you have a fetish for married men to you are reading the signals wrong and have bad dating mojo. But as I thought about what he was writing and again from my own experiences I couldn’t help but think we do have to take a measure of the responsibility don’t we? We can’t just say it was there fault. Instead of learning from our familiar patterns often we try to justify our actions and instead of taking some of the blame we often try to make it them and us. I mean, doesn’t it rationally make more sense to admit that I attracted this man because I had seen something familiar in his heart and that I too was running from my past leaving me in a place where I was incapable of pursuing something real? It was almost as if I found some strength in going after what was familiar to me. He was warm, caring, beautiful, nurturing and everything I am drawn too but he was also a man in great pain as a result of a wounded heart who was now living in a relationship that was not satisfying him and instead of facing the truth of his actions he hid behind a lie and searched out others to fill in the gap or at least what he felt was missing trying to justify this with the ridiculous 80/20 idea, but before I can go further I have to admit wasn’t I doing the same? Wasn’t I looking for love, purpose, and some sort of meaning to my life and instead of trying to figure out the patterns of my choices I just kept repeating the same mistakes and the only thing that had changed in my life was the names?

While I don’t believe fully in what the article stated believing passionately that there is nothing acceptable about being in an open relationship. Such actions lowers the dignity of who we were created to be and limits our ability of making free choices which leaves us slaves to our members incapable of living out our life in a complete expression of love. Having a fling and being up front about what we do in our private life is not achieving anything authentic when it comes to love and it is foolish to believe so, however I do agree with the writer “If anyone needs to be out of town before you can invite your date over to your place for a drink, that is called cheating.” While I was reading the article I could not help but contemplate on the crucifixion of Christ looking for a fuller understanding of what authentic love means. The crucifixion became relevant to me when I reached a point and had to ask myself is there nothing in life that is worth dieing for, something that is bigger than us, to put our complete trust in God knowing no harm can harm us nearly as much as meaninglessness can. Love isn’t meaninglessness but when we live our lives with another and are seeking our own gratification from it doesn’t it become meaningless? When we know longer seek to be a servant of self-donation are we not living out the gift of love incompletely? What is worth dieing for is being a gift of love, to not settle for a counterfeit example or expression of love but to hold out and be willing to offer our selves completely without any reservation. That is love. Letting someone use you for there pleasure is not in anyway being a gift to the other because there main objective is about themselves and not about you. I am meant to be a gift to another and if they cannot accept my gift and give back to me the gift of themselves then what we have between us is not and will never be love. Anything other that that is meaningless!

In the end all I can wonder is now when we find an individual attractive and go on a date do we need to start asking whether or not they are already in a committed relationship? Is this what it’s come too?

My own Calcutta

Sometimes on those perfect sunny days I find myself lost within my thoughts as I look up into the sky above, the endless blue that seems to stretch all the way to the heavens has a way of making me feel small and insignificant. Almost as if I’m nothing more then a grain of sand that lays beneath the feet of creation. It is easy I guess in life to feel insignificant, allowing ourselves to believe that in the end we will be forgotten. Very few are safe from being forgotten in the pages of history and even then in time we will all be forgotten. But what is it that lasts, is it possible to make a difference to leave an indelible mark on the world? As I sit here I find myself looking outside to the sky above and wonder why. What is this all about? Why am I here now, in this place and in this time? Am I insignificant, someone replaceable or am I unique and irreplaceable? Today I was thinking of Christ’s Ascension into heaven and after he had rose to complete the Pascal mystery we see his chosen apostles lost in their confusion not sure what to do. It is here that we find the meaning of all my questions. It is here that I learn that I am not insignificant and my actions are everlasting. What I do doesn’t just affect those around me but instead with my witness I can have a profound impact on all generations to come. The angel of the Lord appears to the apostils after Christ’s Ascension and asks them “Men of Galilee, why are you standing there looking at the sky?” This reminds me of so many times in my own life when I too felt helpless, alone and not knowing what to do. Why am I left here standing? What is I am called to do.

The angel’s call wasn’t to take our eyes away from looking upward but it was a call to remind us to take our eyes off of ourselves and to look at the grand design. I read once somewhere that the Nativity was a reminder to us of God’s love and the Ascension leaves us with the responsibility for proving it. Often when we get lost looking upward we take our eyes off the simple fact Christ never left us. The angel stands before me now reminding me that it’s not as important to see what God does in my life but instead it’s important to hear what God is calling me to do in the lives of others. You see Christ didn’t leave or abandon me but instead he called me to be Christ to others, to put down my personal problems and care for others. The Gospels are unfinished. The Ascension calls us to see the world in a broader picture and to take responsibility for the coming of the Christ in a world that is crazed with lust for power which leaves so many in oppression feeling lost and alone, abandoned and afraid. This is even more important because we live in a culture that often teaches that material wealth is a sign of God’s approval.

It’s natural to look upward, to stretch your self to God but we can’t forget that Christ needs us to reach others, to co-participate with him in his redemptive mission. I read somewhere once that Theresa of Calcutta once said that Christ called me to be Christ to others. She was a woman who under harsh circumstances became a beacon of hope to a world that had become lost. She was very much Christ to the poor and downtrodden, to the outcaste and alone. She was Christ and mother to a hurting world. What she did affected millions around the world, and her legacy, her gift was incalculable. She will long be remembered through the actions of love long after the kings, princesses and most of those in history have come and gone. So I ask you right now viri Galilaei, quid admiramini aspicientes in caelum? (Men of Galilee, why do you stand looking up toward heaven?) Isn’t it time we find our own Calcutta?

The 18 Apostles verses Pope Benedict

On May 14th eighteen House Democrats lead by Representative Rosa DeLauro of Connecticut signed a statement which was a result from a reply Pope Benedict XVI gave as he was traveling to Brazil May 9th inquiring whether he agreed with a bishop in Mexico City in regards to the excommunication of legislators in Mexico City who voted for the right to abortion. He stated “Yes,” and went on to say “The excommunicated was not something arbitrary. It is part of the canon law code. It is based simply on the principles that the killing of an innocent human child is incompatible with going in communion with the body of Christ.” A Vatican spokesman later made it very clear that neither the Mexican bishop nor the Holy Father have taken any actions and were not threatening excommunication. The Pope just “simply announced to the public what is stipulated by the law of the Church.” After reading the response given I had to ask myself does the Pope have the right and authority to say what he did and if he does do any of us have a right to pass judgment on what the Church teaches? Also do Catholic politicians who vote with the wisdom of their Church stand against our constitution which reads “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;…” and if these individuals vote in opposition to their faith are they self-excommunicating themselves by not adhering to the truth of their Church? Eighteen Democratic legislators, individuals who because of there Catholic ties felt threatened because of how they have voted criticized the Pope stating “Religious sanction in the political arena directly conflicts with our fundamental beliefs about the role of democratic representatives in a pluralistic America. – It clashes with freedoms guaranteed in our Constitution. Such notions offend the very nature of the American experiment and do a great disservice to the centuries of good work the Church has done.”

The obvious humor of this statement is it was taken from a reply the Pope gave in response to the Mexican Church. This possibly explains why there is so much confusion on the immigration policy here in this country when they can’t even distinguish that Mexico and the United States are two different countries. What is most unfortunate is we live in a country that any aspiring Catholic politician who states they stand in accordance with the beliefs of there faith would never be elected. We stand here today with many voices who cry out that we respect the individual’s right to free thinking but I am left here questioning if this is truly possible in every situation. Democracy was built on the presumption that there is no true way and that all roads are mutually recognized. I find this to be true in the arena of politics but when it comes to social justices or matters of faith is this so? Are we living in relativism? Are our ethical truths dependant upon the individual and the groups holding them or are we as the dictionary states limited in our mind to the conditions of knowing? We seem to be confused with Separation of Church from the interference of the State and that of a private institutions right to authority in matters of faith. The Mormon Governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney, stated when asked his thoughts, “I don’t say anything to Roman Catholic bishops. They can do whatever the heck they want. Roman Catholic bishops are in a private institution, a religion. I can’t imagine a government telling a church who can have communion in their church. We have separation of Church and State, and it’s served us well.” Why is it now once again do we feel that our opinions and choices have to be forced on others. The Catholic Church is only reminding her people what the teaching is in matters of faith and morals. If life according to the Church begins at the moment of conception and if they truly believe what is stated clearly in it’s doctrine that “human life is sacred because from its beginning it involves the creative action of God and it remains forever in a special relationship with the Creator, who is its sole end. God alone is the Lord of life from its beginning until its end: no one can under any circumstance claim for himself the right directly to destroy an innocent human being – Catechism 2258” why should we be shocked that they would take such a passionate stance on abortion. The Church was simply reminding the politicians that even though they don’t physically play a role in such acts they in the ultimate end still play an active role deciding who has a right to live and who does not. I’m not here to say one way or another what my thoughts are but they are to ponder the question why is what this man said “offending the very nature of the American experiment?” How is this “clashes with the freedoms guaranteed in our Constitution?” To think you and I don’t vote or think because of the beliefs we hold in our heart is foolhardy. To believe a politician can separate what they believe if they are sincere about what it is they believe is impossible. It’s more admirable to me to see individuals who are willing to stand up for what they believe in and sacrifice their position then it is to find individuals who change there positions with little or no thought. All this shows me in the end is a group of individuals who are more concerned with the monetary benefits that come with how they vote then it does by the faith they claim to have. I always find it interesting when I see people compromise what they claim to believe just so they can fit in.

In the end receiving the Eucharist is not a right, it’s a sacrament and I question if these 18 politicians have a right criticizing the Church they claim to belong to...after all why should State interfere with Church? I’ll leave you with the words and advice of presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani when asked his thoughts on this “I do not get into debates with the Pope. That is not a good idea.”

The Man, the Myth, the Legend: Jerry Falwell

Dr. Jerry Falwell passed away May 15th, 2007 at the age of 73 and with that I was left wondering with all that was being said about him what was it that makes a man great? Falwell was born in Lynchburg VA and prior to founding the Thomas Road Baptist Church he was a stunning athlete with potentially a strong opportunity to go on to being a professional ball player but early in his life he found a growing passion for his faith and later graduated from the Baptist Bible College in Springfield MO. Later on in his life he would earn three honorary doctorate degrees from Tennessee Baptist Seminary, California Graduate School of Theology & Central University Seoul Korea. As far as his public ministry life goes Falwell was the founding pastor of the Thomas Road Baptist Church, founder of Liberty University, took control in a “hostile takeover” of the PTL Club and Heritage USA after the scandal of Jim Bakker, and later on went on to be the co-founder of the Moral Majority in 1979 which played an important role in electing former President Reagan as well as the current President, George W. Bush.

All of this on paper seems impressive and shows a man with determination and direction but it was at what price that he achieved his glory that I sit here now pondering if this truly was a great man? Jerry Falwell sadly will be known more for how he lived his life and what little self control he seemed to have over what he said. He was a man deep in his convictions as seen in his early life being a strong supporter of racial segregation and went on to criticize the late Dr. King and the Civil Rights Movement calling it the “Civil Wrongs Movement.” Falwell repeatedly denounced some of what was taught in our public schools and wrote in his book America Can Be Saved that “I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won’t have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them.” He was also an outspoken supporter of the Apartheid regime in South Africa and later apologized for calling the Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu a phony.

It was well known that Falwell was a not a huge fan of former President Bill Clinton and in 94’ he created a video, “The Clinton Chronicles: An Investigation into the Alleged Criminal Activities of Bill Clinton.” This conspiracy was a theory that Clinton was involved in a cocaine-smuggling operation. This video was under much scrutiny and later was proven false; he never apologized and sold over 150,000 copies. The funding of this film was paid for by the Citizens for Honest Government which Falwell donated 200,000 paid over three years. The troopers used in the video made a false statements in there testimony and later on they were paid for their allegations in the Paula Jones claims. The tape used also included a journalist in a silhouette speaking out against Clinton stating he feared for his life. It was later discovered the journalist was the producer of the video and president of the Citizens for Honest Government. Falwell later confessed that he was not sure about the truth of his reporting but still no apology and no regret.

Throughout his ministry there have been many scandals that plagued his life. He had lawsuits with Penthouse and later with Hustler for a gross parody of his life that was truly tasteless and wrong. He was a very outspoken man in his dislike for gay individuals claiming in 84’ in a television debate that the gay –oriented Metropolitan Community Churches were “brute beasts” and “vile and Satanic system” and they will “one day be utterly annihilated and there will be a celebration in heaven.” He later on went to claim he never said this and offered to pay the gay activist Jerry Sloan $5000 if he could produce it. He did and Falwell would not pay. He was taken to court and lost paying an additional $2,875 in sanctions and court fees. But what outspoken beliefs I feel will be remembered are his apocalyptic beliefs. The evangelical preacher was a strong supporter that the crisis in the Middle East is a prelude to the end times and went on to say the antichrist “must be, of necessity, a Jewish male.” This statement was strongly refuted by many in the Christian community.

In the end what makes a man great to me is how they lived there lives with the accomplishments they achieved. Christ was not a man that was loved by the people of his time, reminding us constantly in his witness what it is we truly love. When you look at Christ it should be as if you are looking in a mirror. In this reflection can you see the actions of Christ? When you look at Falwell and measure up his life and his many accomplishments can we see the image of Christ? Can we see it in our lives? I’m not here to judge anyone because there is much to judge in my own actions but I am here to remind myself that to be a man has so much more to do with our heart and the actions we live by then it does by the sex we were created to be. A question I ask myself constantly is am I loving God with how I am living my life at this moment? That doesn’t mean I have to agree with everything a minister says but I also can’t dismiss everything either just because it is easier to ignore it then to challenge myself to be responsible for my actions. In the end we are only responsible for ourselves and what is it that I can do to live each moment to the fullest, to be the best version I was created to be.

Is There Privacy in a Glass Closet?

When is saying too much too much? And when does it become acceptable if ever at all to violate someone else’s rights? There are some in our community that feel it becomes necessary and acceptable to do so when it benefits them or their community but I am still left with the question do any of us in the end have the right to impose our needs or beliefs on others when we know it is not harming others? I have to ask myself as a Christian does my decision have more to do with the benefits it gives me and is this a decision or an action of love for my neighbor?

Recently OUT magazine ran an article (the Glass Closet) shaming individuals such as CNN’s Anderson Cooper and movie actress Jodi Foster for living in a glass closet. He states in his article these individuals “are comfortable with their decision because they feel like they’re living honestly” but goes on to state that such behavior is anything but and they have a responsibility to come out of the closet for the greater good and become the gay communities poster child. Many in our community feel that individuals such as these benefit from the basic freedom we all share in this country and that somehow they don’t share in the price many have had to pay by confronting the prejudices and hatred that has been presented to us. OUT magazine further goes on to justify outing these people by reminding the reader that even though these famous individuals don’t want to be defined by their sexuality in the end we are genuinely happier people once the truth was out noting one time singing success Lance Bass and the former Doggie Howser, MD actor Neil Patrick Harris as examples showing us how little this affected their professional careers. But still I wrestle whether we have a right to push ourselves onto others and by perpetuating such articles are we just encouraging a modern day witch hunt? I noticed one of the readers commented in the Letter to the Editor “No Kenny Chesney??? I am totally convinced that he is gay despite his denial on 60 Minutes a while back with (ahem) Anderson Cooper.”

In the end I can’t help but find this behavior very disrespectful, hypocritical with a message of exclusiveness. Everyone treats a person differently when they know a truth about them and it’s not our right to decide what others want to reveal about themselves. Issues like this only show me how deaf we are when it comes to the wisdom and knowledge of respecting the rights of others. Somehow the only thing that I really see that was truly accomplished was that articles such as these help us look ignorant to the overall community around us.


“Okay, I’m gay! Happy now?”
Anderson Cooper
April 4th 2007 OUT magazines Letter to the Editor (on-line)

Superman and the crossroads of life

I wrote the poem listed below late last summer. It was a darker moment for me because it I had become completely exhausted compromising who I am and who I wanted to be. For to long I sat in the same crossroads of life afraid to take a chance and always going down the familiar road because it gave me a sense of control. This destructive attitude was completely out of fear. Fear because I didn’t trust that life could be different for me. Fear because if I took a chance then I would lose the possibility of what I have been and fear because change brings the unexpected and even if you are stuck in the wilderness at least I was going in the same familiar direction.

I always had strong relations with my family and both of my parents nurtured in me a strong foundation of right and wrong but as I became older and allowed the community around me to influence my decisions I began to compromise who I was so I could fit in with the expectations of others. It’s interesting how people try so hard to bring you down to there level so they can feel better about themselves. I found myself justifying many of my actions to myself or more often I simply ignored it until an event triggered the response that became so familiar to me. Whenever you compromise the individual you were created to be you in the end are the one that looses!!! We settle in this hedonistic culture of ours for second best. Many I find don’t remember who they were, that person they were before their innocence was stolen from them leaving them broken inside and incapable of acting out constructively in life.

Don’t let fear destroy your heart. Psalm 27 speaks of Yahweh being our light and salvation and we need not fear anyone. It’s easy to say but often the vulnerability and the potential isolation from the community around us destroys the possibility of who we could be. I find that life offers us a continuous invitation to believe in the goodness of I was created to be. Remember Superman when he was the humble Clark Kent was not who he truly was but instead found himself living an illusion. It was a mask he wore to protect his identity, which allowed him to hide from the rest of the world. Who he was under his disguise was a mighty champion of evil and a beacon of light and hope to a troubled world around him. We too are such a light but more often then not we cover the light out of fear. For to long I resisted the truth about myself. I lied for to long and hid from my self the pains of my past but if I have learned anything at all about life in the last year it’s that I cannot substitute the person I was created to be, this humble gift of love because I am to scared to stand up and say no more. Life for many is a carrousel ride but when we jump off the horse it becomes a never-ending adventure discovering our main purpose in life isn’t what I get out of life but rather what I give. Life is about love. If you want something you have to be willing to give it up first.

Who I Am

100 names I seem to have, a 1000 faces at my command
A simple shoeshine boy I may be, with a cap and an S underneath me
Some see me for the muscles I wear, or for my smile, my hair
Opinioned and foolhardy some do see
Intelligent, wise and intuitive I may be
Sarcastic, emotionless or insensitive I can be, but in the end all I care about is what my mother does see

Who am I, I wonder now
Who is it that sits here now
Lost, alone and confused I am
Lost in this great mystical plan
To be so lost in this world does seem not so difficult to believe
So simple life could have been, with choices made and lessons learned

Who am I with these many facades
What mask do I have on
So tiresome life does get, with these many names, so confusing it seems
So simple am I at heart, so complex the world does make
Am I lost or confused, or is it simply all a ruse
Sweet and caring in the end is what I am, I know cause that is what my mother believes