Weekend Blues

Saturday was like normal Saturday, nothing out of the ordinary. Life has actually been rather good to me as of late with little or no complaints, at least complaints that are not out of the ordinary. It was a rather nice warm sunny day much like the one last year and I spent it with my parents. Had a nice meal with my parents and was off to a new club that night. It was there that things started to become odd. It’s almost like the stillness of the waters and all of a sudden the boat slowly began to rock back and forth and it didn’t take long to realize how fragile often our satisfaction sometimes is when it’s not based on a foundation that is on firm soil. I went out that night with two friends, one of whom I had dated 10 years back. This individual invited friends of his to join us and one in particular brought his date with. As I sat there I began to realize this man I was sitting next too was the man my friend had dumped me for 10 years ago. When he looked at me and asked how I knew him I bit my tongue and said something pleasant. My instinct I assure you was not so pleasant. What was surprising was the reaction of seeing this individual after so many years and the inadequacy that still slumbers deep within the recesses of my thoughts came to the surface. Thoughts of not being good enough, thoughts of bitterness and resentment for something that in fact means nothing to me now so why do I still harbor such feelings.

The next day I awoke feeling rather good and lolled around my place until I finally went to the gym. Afterwards since I had gotten up so late I decided to go to church during the late afternoon service. When I got there I wasn’t really in the mood and in truth I had missed the last few weeks. I had melancholy thoughts of someone I knew a year ago as this was the day we had shared our first kiss. Again, things that are of little importance but for some reason I hang on to them. I remember sitting there and gazing up at a statue of Mary and wondered what is love, have I ever loved anyone...I mean really loved someone and they me? I looked at this image and saw a women who offered a gift of humility to the one she loved and in turn accepted his gift, with all the burdens that followed and lived out her life in gracious servitude for the one she loved and put aside the entire time here wants and knew her needs would always be met. I asked for that love in my life...to understand it and for those in my life, those who have touched me in a special way that we too would become gifts of love in a world that seems so dark at times.

That evening I logged onto a chat-line before a friend was to come over. This individual, a person I had not talked to for many months was on there. After awhile he must have noticed my profile as well because he blocked me so I could no longer see him. That sorta struck me and for some reason I felt a bit of frustration because of the rejection that stung in my heart. I guess sometimes it’s hard to let the past go because some seem to be more caught up in the romance of what might have been rather then realizing the truth of the situation. A Psalm that was read yesterday during the service I attended. It comes from Psalm 33, “ But the LORD'S eyes are upon the reverent, upon those who hope for his gracious help, delivering them from death, keeping them alive in times of famine. Our soul waits for the LORD, who is our help and shield.” How reverent am I being as I sat at this site meandering at the profiles that offer nothing but wounded individuals and I in some way participate in causing more pain as my motive was not love but was self-seeking. How reverent am I being by mulling over a profile of the man I had cared for and who seems to wants nothing from me? I could sit there and get angry with myself because just like with the man I dated 10 years ago we can’t control the lives of others. We cannot be responsible for the choices they make but what we can do is be a perfect example of love to them. In the case of the man from the chat-line I couldn’t really be his friend because I would want something more for him then what he was choosing for himself.

If our Lord is our help and our shield then why do we spend so much time battling the demons of our past? I suppose it’s our inability to have complete faith that prevents us…we try to take control of a situation and unfortunately if you are like me you have a knack for doing the wrong thing and later on regretting why you did what you did but then it was too late. Either way one thing I’ve learned this past year is it doesn’t really matter why people do what they do, that really isn’t my business. All I can do is make the best of any situation and realize I’m not responsible for other people’s choices only the ones I make. It still does seem hard to let go and sometimes I ponder why I make such a big deal of something that is so unimportant.

Today I get to work and a man I care for a great deal, a person who disappointed me greatly as he was very similar in many ways to both men above that I had dated. He just wanted to say hi. We never seem to say much to each other but every few months he drops a short note...perhaps it's his way of saying I'm still out here. At least I’m slowly learning not to take it seriously and not to beat myself up as if I’m not good enough. That is something I do a lot and always have. I have such low expectations of what I can get out of life and if things go bad I often sit around blaming myself when in truth I was not to blame in the first place. It’s sometimes funny to me why I do that, to be aware of something and find yourself doing it…very humorous at times.

My only hope is that I will one day be able to love someone the right way, to be able to trust someone and have faith. It is that leap of faith that shows our love for God because our example of affection and devotion to each other is a mirrored example of the great love God has for us. I think in deepest sincerity that is why so many men out there seem so lost, constantly searching for something…always trying to take control because what they have isn’t really love but more a fractured reflection of what love should be and they find themselves constantly searching for something that will fill them up and often end up wasting life eating out of a dumpster instead of the great banquet that sit’s right before us.