Saturday was like normal Saturday, nothing out of the ordinary. Life has actually been rather good to me as of late with little or no complaints, at least complaints that are not out of the ordinary. It was a rather nice warm sunny day much like the one last year and I spent it with my parents. Had a nice meal with my parents and was off to a new club that night. It was there that things started to become odd. It’s almost like the stillness of the waters and all of a sudden the boat slowly began to rock back and forth and it didn’t take long to realize how fragile often our satisfaction sometimes is when it’s not based on a foundation that is on firm soil. I went out that night with two friends, one of whom I had dated 10 years back. This individual invited friends of his to join us and one in particular brought his date with. As I sat there I began to realize this man I was sitting next too was the man my friend had dumped me for 10 years ago. When he looked at me and asked how I knew him I bit my tongue and said something pleasant. My instinct I assure you was not so pleasant. What was surprising was the reaction of seeing this individual after so many years and the inadequacy that still slumbers deep within the recesses of my thoughts came to the surface. Thoughts of not being good enough, thoughts of bitterness and resentment for something that in fact means nothing to me now so why do I still harbor such feelings.
The next day I awoke feeling rather good and lolled around my place until I finally went to the gym. Afterwards since I had gotten up so late I decided to go to church during the late afternoon service. When I got there I wasn’t really in the mood and in truth I had missed the last few weeks. I had melancholy thoughts of someone I knew a year ago as this was the day we had shared our first kiss. Again, things that are of little importance but for some reason I hang on to them. I remember sitting there and gazing up at a statue of Mary and wondered what is love, have I ever loved anyone...I mean really loved someone and they me? I looked at this image and saw a women who offered a gift of humility to the one she loved and in turn accepted his gift, with all the burdens that followed and lived out her life in gracious servitude for the one she loved and put aside the entire time here wants and knew her needs would always be met. I asked for that love in my life...to understand it and for those in my life, those who have touched me in a special way that we too would become gifts of love in a world that seems so dark at times.
That evening I logged onto a chat-line before a friend was to come over. This individual, a person I had not talked to for many months was on there. After awhile he must have noticed my profile as well because he blocked me so I could no longer see him. That sorta struck me and for some reason I felt a bit of frustration because of the rejection that stung in my heart. I guess sometimes it’s hard to let the past go because some seem to be more caught up in the romance of what might have been rather then realizing the truth of the situation. A Psalm that was read yesterday during the service I attended. It comes from Psalm 33, “ But the LORD'S eyes are upon the reverent, upon those who hope for his gracious help, delivering them from death, keeping them alive in times of famine. Our soul waits for the LORD, who is our help and shield.” How reverent am I being as I sat at this site meandering at the profiles that offer nothing but wounded individuals and I in some way participate in causing more pain as my motive was not love but was self-seeking. How reverent am I being by mulling over a profile of the man I had cared for and who seems to wants nothing from me? I could sit there and get angry with myself because just like with the man I dated 10 years ago we can’t control the lives of others. We cannot be responsible for the choices they make but what we can do is be a perfect example of love to them. In the case of the man from the chat-line I couldn’t really be his friend because I would want something more for him then what he was choosing for himself.
If our Lord is our help and our shield then why do we spend so much time battling the demons of our past? I suppose it’s our inability to have complete faith that prevents us…we try to take control of a situation and unfortunately if you are like me you have a knack for doing the wrong thing and later on regretting why you did what you did but then it was too late. Either way one thing I’ve learned this past year is it doesn’t really matter why people do what they do, that really isn’t my business. All I can do is make the best of any situation and realize I’m not responsible for other people’s choices only the ones I make. It still does seem hard to let go and sometimes I ponder why I make such a big deal of something that is so unimportant.
Today I get to work and a man I care for a great deal, a person who disappointed me greatly as he was very similar in many ways to both men above that I had dated. He just wanted to say hi. We never seem to say much to each other but every few months he drops a short note...perhaps it's his way of saying I'm still out here. At least I’m slowly learning not to take it seriously and not to beat myself up as if I’m not good enough. That is something I do a lot and always have. I have such low expectations of what I can get out of life and if things go bad I often sit around blaming myself when in truth I was not to blame in the first place. It’s sometimes funny to me why I do that, to be aware of something and find yourself doing it…very humorous at times.
My only hope is that I will one day be able to love someone the right way, to be able to trust someone and have faith. It is that leap of faith that shows our love for God because our example of affection and devotion to each other is a mirrored example of the great love God has for us. I think in deepest sincerity that is why so many men out there seem so lost, constantly searching for something…always trying to take control because what they have isn’t really love but more a fractured reflection of what love should be and they find themselves constantly searching for something that will fill them up and often end up wasting life eating out of a dumpster instead of the great banquet that sit’s right before us.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Who’s really in control?
Who has not at one time felt the pain of abandonment, of feeling lost or alone almost forgotten by everyone around you even those you have loved. We have all in our own way found ourselves feeling helpless. We spend so much time trying so hard to find security in this world, so much time trying hard protecting ourselves from further disappointments and hardships that we sometimes loose track for what would truly benefit us in this journey of life because our eyes have been so narrowly fixed on ourselves rather than on the bigger picture of what is going on. So many times I have allowed myself to become distracted on what was around me and it’s almost as if I felt voiceless in a sea of inequality while lying in a tomb of hopelessness with lust as my only comfort.
On my spiritual journey I’ve slowly begun to discover that there is nothing in this world that is meant to satisfy us and it for that reason that any time we seek things the world has to offer we will always in the in the end become disheartened and unsatisfied. I keep hearing in my head to seek that which is above. It’s a familiar phrase taken from the third chapter of the book of Colossians. But what does this mean to seek what is above and why is that of any importance to me? The odd thing about Christianity is how opposite its teaching are to how the world lives and often its countercultural lessons come off sounding restrictive, almost prudish and very much outdated with how we live our lives today. In the end we often pick and choose from many faiths and teachings finding ourselves unable to commit to anyone discipline because we do not want to have to be held responsible for how we are living out our lives. I find many people who wear crosses around their necks do so because it’s nothing more than a piece of jewelry while others it has become a pious symbol but the Cross is so much more than that.. The Cross is a device of torcher and it is a constant reminder that life is not fare and it’s not easy and whatever the circumstance may be we all have to journey to this instrument of death on our accord so we can enter into the mystery with complete humility so as to fully appreciate the opportunity of what it means to co-participate with Christ. Often it is through our suffering that God is able to speak to us and it is through our example of what we do with this suffering that allows us to witness the message God desires others to hear.
We can take comfort however when we read that while Christ was on the Cross he cried out “Eli Eli, lama sabachthani.” Words that mean My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? It’s a familiar cry all of us profess at many times in our lives. But the truth behind this wasn’t that Christ cried out these words in despair but instead he united himself to our suffering and offered up a lesson that is as relevant today as it was 2000 years ago. Christ death wasn’t about Christ it was for us. His focus during his entire life and most especially on his journey to the Cross was one of obedience to the desires of what is above. We live in a culture that unsuccessfully tries to teach us to deny the truth of death. The addictions and attachments of this world are almost a denial for the truths of God. If we know in our heart that we are not meant to find joy in this world why would we live our lives trying to seek it out and in the end find only disappointment and sorrow because of our enslavement to our passions. The truth is we are not the most important person in the world and the world does not revolve around me or owe me anything. Our culture is too concerned with our personal self-esteem whose only focus is on our little problems. By limiting our view we are unable to see the bigger picture that we are not and never have been in control. My life is not about me. Any other way of thinking is nothing more than an illusion giving us a false sense of some control in our lives. Trusting God means to not be in control and instead of turning inward we take our eyes and we look outside our own personal problems. Life is all about love and love is everything to do with God. Love has everything to do with giving of your self to others and is never about self-seeking…love has everything to do with God whose message has always been that we are created to be a gift to one another and in doing so we love God perfectly. Life is a great plan that was laid out well before the universe was created. Nothing was randomly thrown together and everything has a purpose for being here. Everyone may not be the most important but everyone is important and equal in the eyes of God. Whenever our rights take away another persons right there is a grave injustice and a deep lie going on. When ever we take away another innocent person’s life we are not in anyway playing a role as martyr or hero.
Life is hard and why is that we feel we should be exempt from the troubles of life? What makes us different? We are all going to die, that’s a fact. We all have been given the same amount of time as another but the difference is how you live out your life that defines you as a person. Nothing this world has to offer will bring authentic joy and peace. There is no liberty when we enslave ourselves to our passions. There is no justice when we live our lives for ourselves. When Christ stood before the soldiers and allowed himself to be bruised, humiliated and eventually murdered he did so because he saw the bigger picture and it was worth dieing for. You are wroth dieing for. I am worth dieing for. The prostitute on the street and the drug pusher in the back ally is worth dieing for…but often we can’t see it because we aren’t looking through the eyes of God but instead are looking through the lenses of society’s deceptions, that lie which teaches us that we have control.
On my spiritual journey I’ve slowly begun to discover that there is nothing in this world that is meant to satisfy us and it for that reason that any time we seek things the world has to offer we will always in the in the end become disheartened and unsatisfied. I keep hearing in my head to seek that which is above. It’s a familiar phrase taken from the third chapter of the book of Colossians. But what does this mean to seek what is above and why is that of any importance to me? The odd thing about Christianity is how opposite its teaching are to how the world lives and often its countercultural lessons come off sounding restrictive, almost prudish and very much outdated with how we live our lives today. In the end we often pick and choose from many faiths and teachings finding ourselves unable to commit to anyone discipline because we do not want to have to be held responsible for how we are living out our lives. I find many people who wear crosses around their necks do so because it’s nothing more than a piece of jewelry while others it has become a pious symbol but the Cross is so much more than that.. The Cross is a device of torcher and it is a constant reminder that life is not fare and it’s not easy and whatever the circumstance may be we all have to journey to this instrument of death on our accord so we can enter into the mystery with complete humility so as to fully appreciate the opportunity of what it means to co-participate with Christ. Often it is through our suffering that God is able to speak to us and it is through our example of what we do with this suffering that allows us to witness the message God desires others to hear.
We can take comfort however when we read that while Christ was on the Cross he cried out “Eli Eli, lama sabachthani.” Words that mean My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? It’s a familiar cry all of us profess at many times in our lives. But the truth behind this wasn’t that Christ cried out these words in despair but instead he united himself to our suffering and offered up a lesson that is as relevant today as it was 2000 years ago. Christ death wasn’t about Christ it was for us. His focus during his entire life and most especially on his journey to the Cross was one of obedience to the desires of what is above. We live in a culture that unsuccessfully tries to teach us to deny the truth of death. The addictions and attachments of this world are almost a denial for the truths of God. If we know in our heart that we are not meant to find joy in this world why would we live our lives trying to seek it out and in the end find only disappointment and sorrow because of our enslavement to our passions. The truth is we are not the most important person in the world and the world does not revolve around me or owe me anything. Our culture is too concerned with our personal self-esteem whose only focus is on our little problems. By limiting our view we are unable to see the bigger picture that we are not and never have been in control. My life is not about me. Any other way of thinking is nothing more than an illusion giving us a false sense of some control in our lives. Trusting God means to not be in control and instead of turning inward we take our eyes and we look outside our own personal problems. Life is all about love and love is everything to do with God. Love has everything to do with giving of your self to others and is never about self-seeking…love has everything to do with God whose message has always been that we are created to be a gift to one another and in doing so we love God perfectly. Life is a great plan that was laid out well before the universe was created. Nothing was randomly thrown together and everything has a purpose for being here. Everyone may not be the most important but everyone is important and equal in the eyes of God. Whenever our rights take away another persons right there is a grave injustice and a deep lie going on. When ever we take away another innocent person’s life we are not in anyway playing a role as martyr or hero.
Life is hard and why is that we feel we should be exempt from the troubles of life? What makes us different? We are all going to die, that’s a fact. We all have been given the same amount of time as another but the difference is how you live out your life that defines you as a person. Nothing this world has to offer will bring authentic joy and peace. There is no liberty when we enslave ourselves to our passions. There is no justice when we live our lives for ourselves. When Christ stood before the soldiers and allowed himself to be bruised, humiliated and eventually murdered he did so because he saw the bigger picture and it was worth dieing for. You are wroth dieing for. I am worth dieing for. The prostitute on the street and the drug pusher in the back ally is worth dieing for…but often we can’t see it because we aren’t looking through the eyes of God but instead are looking through the lenses of society’s deceptions, that lie which teaches us that we have control.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
August Fifth
With a discontented heart I yearn, for the one that seems to forever plague my mind
Simple thoughts blaze my heart of what was once but is no more
A year past since we first met with thoughts of you, me and the August sun
So discontented my heart still beats thumping loudly when I allow my mind to breath
With thoughts of art hanging on a string my mind wanders to the day we met, of buildings, people, your smile and the warm summer breeze
People wandering here and their but my eyes could not even stair
With eyes fixed on the one by my side I remember vividly that which I gazed
So dry I have been as of late trying madly to find that which is empty but still aches
But this feeling I abhor I cannot help but long once more
My heart still pounds when I think of you this day and wonder if this will be forevermore
With thoughts of what was but is no more I still hope and dream of holding you once more
Simple thoughts blaze my heart of what was once but is no more
A year past since we first met with thoughts of you, me and the August sun
So discontented my heart still beats thumping loudly when I allow my mind to breath
With thoughts of art hanging on a string my mind wanders to the day we met, of buildings, people, your smile and the warm summer breeze
People wandering here and their but my eyes could not even stair
With eyes fixed on the one by my side I remember vividly that which I gazed
So dry I have been as of late trying madly to find that which is empty but still aches
But this feeling I abhor I cannot help but long once more
My heart still pounds when I think of you this day and wonder if this will be forevermore
With thoughts of what was but is no more I still hope and dream of holding you once more
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