Pride 2007 II: Love is it a choice?

I was looking at the float picture from my last entry and kept seeing the word love all over the boxes and of course shirtless men trying to come off sexy and desirable. But what is love? Is it little more then an amorous moment in our lives or does it express warm attachment and enthusiasm that comes from a strong affection or devotion for another. Love is passion but more importantly it’s also a choice. This doesn’t mean that our feelings will always remain the same everyday for the other but it does ultimately mean we are a gift of self-donation to the other through good times and through the hard times. I believe it is difficult for most because being fallen in nature we limit what love should mean and can mean finding those around us incapable of being a true gift of love. But it’s the unique gift of choice and the ability to make a commitment that is the singular difference between us and the rest of creation. People cannot be so easily dismissed because no one is replaceable even if we live in a culture that tells us differently. We all have something special to offer that makes us unique, precious and irreplaceable.

Often in my past I have found myself compromising the person I was to be something I’m not. I suppose that is something most of us can relate too. We defend our behavior and place limitations on love as we express ourselves with actions of “sexual liberation” but what is hard for me to handle sometimes is whenever you compromise what love means in the end you find yourself lonely or sad. The question I keep asking myself is if I am a gift of self-donation to another and in turn they give the gift of themselves to me how can we be lonely? I believe we become lonely because in those moments we have turned our gaze on ourselves, living out actions that are self-seeking in nature. To me, how I was raised, God is love and the reciprocal gift of self to another is an expression, an image, of how God loves us. We actively co-participate with God as we image him fully in how we express our bodies. When we have relations with another we are in actuality just outwardly renewing through creativity our commitment to each other by offering in humility the gift of self. By allowing ourselves to search out intimacy by means of self-gratification we limit the opportunity to experience fully what love actually is. Love is not selfish and it is never self-seeking but is always a gift of self to another. However often in my life I settled for a false love because I desired intimacy but my heart was so bruised that I only allowed myself to do such actions in a controlled environment. In the end it hurt me by limiting my vision of what love can and should mean. Selfish actions like this always in the end leave me longing for more and I became enslaved to my member.

It gets hard sometimes being alone. It’s hard to crucify the old man to embrace the rebirth of the individual we were created to be. It often seems easier to live in the illusions that those around us have normalized then to live out our lives with a sacrificial gift of self. We let our heart envy those around us but when you look at our culture you see so much promiscuous behavior that I have often wondered what is it that I’m suppose to be envying so much? I find it so amusing at times how jealous I get over the pig-pens others live in because our culture has lifted them up to be the embodiment of who we are suppose to be. I make no quorums of my sexual past and realize clearly the damage I have done to myself and damage I have caused to others perpetuating this behavior that first made me prey then predator. I feel a great sense of shame at times when I begin to slowly realize what damage I have played in other people’s lives because I was self-seeking. The choices others make are not my responsibility but what I do with my body is my responsibility. I still wonder why we find it so arousing to hurt other people, to have relations with innocent men taking from them something that is precious and beautiful and perverting it and leaving their hearts wounded and often broken with little or no understanding to what they just did. Why do we objectify ourselves and wonder why in the end no one sees us for who we are? So many of us are intimate with those who are married or dating others, paying little attention to the pain we are playing out in there spouses heart. It’ almost as if at times we also view a partnership between two men different then that of a straight couple and we wonder still why the culture around us doesn’t understand gay relationships. What role are we playing out in demonstrating to the world around us that we understand what love is and we too can live out an expression of love with our actions?

So many try to rationalize our choices saying what we do in our private life affects know one and doesn't harm anyone. Not true. Everything we do affects others and in the end affects everyone. When we fall there pain is my pain and when they triumph there joy is my joy. We are all one family interconnected in so many ways through so many people. I am not defined by my past. It has made me who I am today but it’s what I do with it that defines me as a person.

Pride 2007

As I was perusing past the many vendors in the park this past weekend I did a great deal of reflection of my first Pride event back in 94. I was a young man out of college and had just ended my first relationship finding myself in a place where I was exhausted with feelings of betrayal and uselessness resulting in an over zealous attitude to compensate my personal worth with destructive actions of self-exploitation in the hopes to try and cover up a broken heart. I remember that Pride as if it was yesterday. I can recall the warm summer breeze and the endless blue skies. The streets were flooded with thousands of people and the atmosphere seemed almost euphoric with thoughts of camaraderie. I didn’t feel alone but found great comfort in the masses of people sounding me, leaving me with almost a sense of normality in the sameness I shared with those around me.

As I strolled around the park the seemingly endless stream of people remained dressed in their colorful attire. The booths were filled with interesting provocative themes as well as corporations self-promoting their organizations. The organizers of the event still proclaimed the park to be an atmosphere that fosters tolerance and acceptance as well as promoting an environment that is family friendly. They were selling an array of trinkets from picture frames and lingerie to insurance policies and grocery products all the while professing this is done in a spirit that promotes their support for the gay community. As always there were endless parties and orgies with bars flooded with shirtless men drinking gallons of alcohol all the while dancing on pedestals searching the crowds with eyes full of lust. However something has changed over the years. Perhaps it’s like a bunch of holidays and after awhile you can’t distinguishes one from another but I believe it’s more then that. Somehow what had changed for me was how I saw these individuals.

I started pondering what does it mean to be proud? Living proudly means we have a proper self-respect and display an action of being very pleased with our self-esteem, however pride can also mean a pack of lions, but that is another analogy I won’t touch on today. What was it about this past weekend that gives reason for being proud? Do I see before me a showy or impressive group? I was raised with the belief that in some way we are all an evangelist of some sort. Heralding the good news by preaching and living out what it is we believe to be true, or at least what we want to convince ourselves as truth so as not to add conviction to our motives or actions. This is a day of reminding the world around us of our demand for equality. I’m reminded of others that went before us men such as the great Martin Luther King Jr. While he didn’t have any glow sticks or leather chaps that showed off his tight round buttocks he through his actions demonstrated to America the inequality of man envisioned in the Declaration of Independence. Through his non-violent protests and his willingness to humble himself as Christ he was able to co-participate in the mission of his faith. With his actions he brought redemption in many ways to the people of our country. White America had an opportunity to hold a mirror up to their faces to see if they image Christ in being a true and authentic gift of self to the community around us.

I am very mindful of the persecution and hardship we as gay men and women have had to endure often in the solitude of our own hearts. I understand the feeling that I am not living up to the potential of who I am and that my life is a mockery of my beliefs. I understand how disappointed we can be dating men and allowing them to use us, to participate in what seems to be an unending carousel that has left us burned-out with a heart that is so hardened by our actions and those of others that we don’t even know how to be a gift of love anymore. We have a creative and undeniable uniqueness, a gift that separates us. Each person is irreplaceable and yet we spend so much time sitting in the shadows of our thoughts yearning to be the image of a man we were created to be but instead allow ourselves to mirror a culture that is trying to keep our personal dignity down by further repressing us by limiting our actions to be controlled by an incessant need of self-gratification.

All I can say is to continue on your quest to find yourself! Do not be afraid to struggle and remind yourself that you are not alone even if society around you is so willingly ready to tell you that you are a freak, somebody that isn’t valued or wanted…a man who will never understand what it means to be a man. No matter where you are or what you have done remember we belong to a much larger community that isn’t separated by our sexuality.

I hope that we all realize to find ourselves, to find purpose, love, and hope means we have to become willing examples of humility and lowliness which often can only come from being prepared to be humiliated for what we know to be true. We have to be my friends a gift of self even to those who mean to do us harm. Remember what you do and how you behave affects everyone and nothing we do harms no one. We are all going to die for something in life. We are all serving a master of some sorts. I ask you what are you willing to die for and why? When I walked around the park all I saw was people who were willing to die for themselves and not for those around us.

The Injustices of Life

21-year old Genarlow Wilson is serving his second year on a ten-year sentence for having consensual oral sex at the age of 17 with a 15-year-old girl. The jury found Wilson guilty in 2005 of aggravated child molestation, which occurred at a 2003 New Year’s Eve party. Even though Georgia changed this law since Wilson’s conviction his sentence was not made retroactive. Superior Court Judge Thomas Wilson of Monroe County Georgia offered the young Wilson a plea “that would have allowed Genarlow Wilson to plead to First Offender Treatment, which would mean that he would not have a criminal record nor would he be subject to registering on the sex offender registry once his sentence had been completed.” Wilson has had much support throughout the country including the editorial board of the New York Times and also from former President Jimmy Carter. Upon hearing the ruling many screamed with delight but there shortly after Georgia Attorney General Thurbert Baker stated the judge has the right to grant habeas relief he did however not have the right to “reduce or modify the judgment of the trial court.” The state attorney general filled a notice of appeal, which unfortunately keeps the young Genarlow Wilson in prison, at least for the time being.

Murky justice seems to become when we allow personal views of fairness to become tainted with misguided Christian values of good and evil, which is governed by a deep sense of exclusiveness from a faith that cries out for justice and the receptivity of God’s love. Is it justice that punishes a boy for the misguided values that society has encouraged by fostering an example of uncontrollable actions dominated by their own passions of lust? I respect fully the outward commitment and impassioned beliefs that are so strongly rooted in the traditions of the Southern states but have come to question the sincerity of such voices when I see examples of individuals more concerned about their personal relationship with Christ then the ongoing commitment we have to co-participate with the universal church centering our thoughts on the example we present to others as the Body of Christ. What was it that this man did that was so wrongfully committed that he deserves to serve time in prison? He was an honors student who showed to be a promising individual who would have contributed greatly to society but we instead find ourselves punishing him for acting out irresponsibly with his actions, actions that many of us have committed ourselves at the same age. Are we not casting a stone at the sin of this young man when in truth we are just as guilty? Instead of showing him what it means to be an action of love, a gift of self-donation to another, we act out just as irresponsibly and ignorant of the truth of God. It is not my fault for the sins of others which has separated them from their Creator but it is my responsibility to be an outward expression of love and encourage others into a deeper understanding of their faith.

While such generosity can only be offered to some in limited ways because some crimes are so irreprehensible that such individuals are a threat to society but again I ask what was it that this man did that deserves such a punishment? It’s easy to desire God’s will until we come to the point that we are called to live out what it is God is calling us to do. As a gay man it sometimes becomes easy to center my thoughts on the hardships we have been burdened with, to allow myself to become a victim of an injustice that I never asked for. Yet I cannot help but look at the bigger picture here and realize what is going on around me is a familiar song that is sung in the hearts and lives of many of us, gay and straight. When I look at this young man I cannot help but hear his story cry out loudly of the many injustices in life. Christianity isn’t the crime. What he did does limit his ability to have a fruitful relationship with the Devine. That is why sin is so tragic to God because he desires intimacy with his beloved but how is it we are reaffirming His relationship of love when we sell Him out because we want to serve other gods. We aren’t concerned with what is right and wrong as much as we are concerned with our own tainted view of fairness which seems to be more inline with a singular view of life. Where is the hope we are offering this young man? Without hope he cannot have a foundation of faith and without faith he cannot achieve any growth as an individual. We need to believe in something and what have we left him with, is this fair? I’m left perplexed with what is justice…in a world that seem to believe that justice many times is left for those who are wealthy enough to afford expert legal advice. Is it justice to appeal a ruling that will in the end cause an excessive misuse of money, time and energy, as well as the possible destruction of an individual’s life?

Thanks but no thanks Team MANHUNT!

We Give ‘Til it hurts…that was the header on an email sent to me. Pretty catchy sounding don’t ya think? It’s simple, supportive yet after you read the email it sounds a bit provocative inviting our imagination to some interesting possibilities and offers us a place where we can “meet the man of your dreams or your man of the moment.” This email was written in regards to a male chat-line promoting free access in celebration of the 2007 Pride season. Stating in its first line “It’s Pride Season and we are giving the gift of gay.” This sounds all generous and supportive but it’s when you look at the motive that underlines there reasons is where the true seduction comes into focus. How is it that they are giving us the gift of gay? The target audience is the lonely man who is often very vulnerable and easily seduced into believing that somehow finding predatory men in search of a quick fix and an opportunity to have intimacy in a controlled environment will in any way lead to a healthy approach in meeting single men longing what we believe to be our hearts desire on a site that defines the homosexual proclivities as the singular definition to what being gay is about. I’m confused, we live in a culture that is becoming increasingly anti anybody who doesn’t believe what we believe and yet we are being silently manipulated by a demon far worse then any right wing conservative Christian. We allow those around us to enslave ourselves to our members resulting in a culture that is increasingly becoming sexual addicts who is only capable of self-destruction.

You want to destroy the gay culture then we just need to further go down this hedonistic path. “So show your Pride and get ready to meet the man of your dreams or your man of the moment.” Thanks but no thanks Team MANHUNT! I’ve spent way too much time already giving up on what life has to offer and limit myself to compulsive behaviors that never ceases to repeat itself.

Lindsay Lohan and the gutters of life

The 20 year old Hollywood actress Lindsay Lohan crashed her car after hopping a curb on Sunset Boulevard and then proceeded to flee the accident site and was found at a nearby apartment complex. She was arrested for suspicion of driving under the influence and later was confirmed to have been taking cocaine. Before all this was over she was once more seen frolicking around Hollywood with eager photographers ready to capture her later on in the evening passed out once more in the seat of a friend’s car. Just one month shy of her 21st birthday Lindsay who had been in rehab earlier this year will be resubmitted. It was stressed by her publicist that we need to respect her vulnerability as well as those of the other patients by keeping our distance stating further by a family friend that “She has a lot of issues and family issues. There is an incredible amount of pressure on this 20-year-old.” However it has been well noted by other friends that even though going from movie to movie is very taxing in the end she “really loves the business.” Lindsay got her first break in the movie business at age 11 while doing the Disney remake of the popular film “The Parent Trap” and has been in 10 films and currently can be seen in “Georgia Rule.” In the past 20 years she has admitted to trying to commit suicide on two different occasions and was seen drinking while in rehab earlier this year stating later that rehab is fun and now she understands why so many celebrities go.

While it is hard to find sympathy at times for a person the seems on the surface to be marketing herself with an unending amount of turmoil showing little or no remorse for her actions, something the media has pointed out in the behavior of other celebrities such as Paris Hilton, I cannot help but find underneath a problem that plagues so many in our culture today. Life for all of us can be unpredictable and from my experience it seems the majority of our time is spent trying desperately to curb the madness in our lives finding a false control in wealth, power, relationships or even our physical appearance. With what seems to many an inexhaustible amount of financial resources our attention is drawn often to those who live life in such extreme excess much like Lindsay. Even though most of us don’t have the ability or the resources to live our lives to such a degree it doesn’t take a stretch of the imagination to relate in some way to what they are going through and often finding some solace that since they are going through such things then it must be natural and normal for many of us to do so as well. It’s almost as if the children of Hollywood today have no sense of shame or remorse for anything, mirroring the fact I think many in society today seems to have little remorse for their behavior. We just need to look at extreme individuals such as Whitney Houston, Brittney Spears, Paula Abdul…the list is endless and yet no one really says anything we all just sit back and laugh at them and in our silence we encourage many of there choices. What saddens me the most is that so many try to imitate these individuals allowing ourselves to live out our lives as destructively as those we have come to admire, forgetting the dignity in which we all were created in.

I’m reminded of Katharine Drexel, a Philadelphia woman who was born in the mid 19th century to a well known banker and philanthropist. What made Katharine stand out in history was her deep concern for the Native American and those in the Afro-American community. In her youth her parents instilled a deep awareness that their great fortune was simply a loan God granted them and they have a great responsibility to share this with others. Becoming aware of the poor in the native Indian community on a journey out West helped the young girl to realize the importance of helping victims of social injustice. Another powerful impact on Katharine was witnessing and tending to her grandmother in the last years of her life. This helped the young Katharine to realize clearly that money offered no true security or personal prosperity. Katharine brought a great awareness for those living in poverty in our community100 years before such concern became public interest in the United States. While traveling to Rome to seek out missionaries to staff some of the missions she was starting Pope Leo XIII surprised her by suggesting she become a missionary herself. On February 12, 1891 she professed her first vows and later founded the Sisters of the Blessed Sacrament dedicating her life to share the message of the Gospel with those in the American Indian and Afro-American community. Her example is that of total self-giving, relinquishing freely all the world believes to be success and power and in-turn donated her life and her family fortune to serving those who are in need and to better understand what authentic love actually means. Throughout her life she opened, staffed and supported nearly 60 schools and missions and Katharine’s greatest achievement came in 1925 when she opened the Xavier University of Louisiana, the only predominantly Afro-American Catholic institution of higher learning in the United States.

St. Katharine was beatified November 20th, 1980 and continues to set an example for all who feel helpless and overwhelmed by the tribulations of life showing us what it means to live your life with passion and to the fullest. She was a great witness to the power of the Spirit and what God can do with you if you are willing to lay down your life and allow the Spirit to use you as an instrument. This action allows all of us to actively participate in the mystery of the Trinity, this eternal exchange of love shared between Father and Son. All love is like that of a bride-groom and bride and through our relationships we are given a foretaste of the love we will share with this one Triune God. This is the only thing that is everlasting. This love, the selfless act of giving yourself to all those in your life is what it means to love as God loves. Lindsay, like so many people live their lives focusing their attention on things of this world to bring meaning to their lives. Comeliness, wealth, social standing/power cannot fill the void in your life. Allowing our hearts to be focused on pride and selfishness will only further drive us away from the one who is Love.